Its been just over a year since I last posted on this blog… That’s not to say I have not written. I have a surplus of maybe 10 unposted drafts I was planning on posting and never did. The reason you might ask?? Well they all started out great but then somehow became morbid and depressing! I kept telling myself, you can’t post that! People will get worried! And then I would loose my train of thought on said feelings-save & close!
But I have decided that today is the day! I am writing and whatever it says, I must post it!
The last post I posted was about me finally quitting my job and all the things I was grateful for at that point in my life. Reading through it now, it seems so juvenile looking at what I thought I was grateful for. Somethings do ring true still but others were slightly superficial!
Let me bring your attention to point 8. of said post, ” My Granny’s Fighting Spirit! ” This (I assume) is what has led me to this current state of being. I say I assume because I am actually not sure.
My gran passed away on the 6th of February 2014 from a Heart Attack! I would love to go into detail about how much my gran meant to me or why she was so Important but that is my story, the one I will carry with me forever. All I can say is she was my everything!
After her passing I went into like a 2 month (maybe longer) silence. Cut out toxic friendships but also the good ones. Became a total home body! I wont lie, it was wonderful being home every weekend!
But that has lead me here, where I am now unhappy with the person I have become! That person being… a disorganized, lazy couch potato with an addiction to clutter! To at least give myself a little bit of credit I did quit smoking and I have rekindled a few healthy friendships. But the feeling of being trapped has not lessened.
I think it all stems from the fact that I have no Idea what is happening with my body, I have ballooned in size (not big balloon but enough to feel uncomfortable) My skin has been on a roller coaster from hell!!! Its finally coming right though and I just feel sort of lost organisational wise. I used to be so good at knowing what I needed to do to get where I wanted to be. Now I know I want to be on top of all the aspects of my life but I am just not sure how to get there or how to start getting there.
I keep telling myself, I cannot be the only person feeling like this? Can I? The biggest of all the problems… All the people I was in High school seem to have their shit together. Do I seem that way to them? Like I have my shit together while they fall apart? Who really knows? Like really?
That’s the problem with the new lives we live, its all pretty on the screen because we choose to make it seem that way but whats really going on?
I’m going to be the first person to call bullshit! I don’t have my shit together & I ain’t happy about it! But I am working on it!
If you feel like joining the club, take a badge… Lol!